I Didn't Mean To

     It's been awhile since I've written and I had a good blonde moment I was planning on writing about, but I totally forgot it. Moving on...

     I did run over a tombstone.

     I tried to move it back.

     In heels.

     I was partially successful.

     I had to call the trustee.

     I didn't mean to desecrate a grave.

     It was Sweet Char's fault.

     The end.

Tubing, Jets Skis, and Grover

     Once upon a time, it was a nice sunny day. The flowers were blooming, the water was pristine and...  

     I just wanted to start my story out like that, but following that stream gets difficult since my life isn't a fairy tale, so I decided to take my usual, realistic approach.

     It was fairly hot and I was lost and late. Not a good combination. Besides that, no one had phone reception since they were all on the boat tubing and I couldn't find the public access dock. It was killing me. If there's anything I like it's water. If there's anything I don't like it is being unable to get to the water where all my friends are enjoying themselves.

     Finally, I saw the public access dock across the lake (without the help of my stupid GPS, I might add), made my way there, and parked. I walked out on the dock and after awhile, I spotted my friends and tried the waving-from-the-dock approach but it didn't work. They were too concentrated on drowning the tubers behind the boat. So I sat down and waited.

     There was an unassuming man, probably in his fifties, fishing off the bank to my right.

     "Catch anything?" I asked. Might as well make conversation with a stranger rather than feel sorry for myself because I wasn't tubing.

     "Nope. Never been here before. Do you know if you're allowed to drink on this lake?"

     "No, I don't know," I replied. "I don't drink."

     "Are you still in school or what do you do?" he asked.

     "Well, I graduated from beauty school in October."

     "You look like you graduated from beauty school. I graduated from ugly school."

     I could have asked him what year he graduated, but I wisely refrained.

     "God doesn't make anybody ugly," I replied, but I guess I'm wrong because, well, I won't finish that thought.

     "I'm Grover, by the way," the man said.

     A little while later, Grover's two brothers sailed in on jet skis. One had a lady friend with him. They beached their jet skis and then got ready to fish with Grover.

     "Hey, if you guys go out again, flag down her friends for her," Grover said in a passing comment.

     The brothers didn't say much so I let my hope die for a little while.

     "Yea," I said a few minutes later, "If you do go out again, could you just let them know I'm here."

     "Well, you can take it out," brother number one said.

     "Grover, go with her and bring back the jet ski," brother number two added on.

     Although Grover and I had just started a rather awkward acquaintanceship, I was more than willing to do what it took to get out on the water and finally get to go tubing. I also wasn't entirely against the fact that I would get to ride a jet ski.

     I thought Grover was going to drive, but brother number one indicated that I could. "You ever driven one of these before?" he asked.

     "Um, well, I think a friend let me drive one once," I said sounding very convincing.

     "You can do it," he said and gave me a quick 2 second tutorial.

     Grover jumped on and we were off. I love the wind and water and speed, but I didn't gun it like I wanted to because I didn't want to wreck a stranger's jet ski and I really wanted to tube. There were some big waves and those were fun. I really want a jet ski now. Ahem, moving on...

     So Grover and I jet skiid around the lake and couldn't find my friends. It was almost as if they disappeared. Grover did say my hair smelled nice, which was really weird, but I just told him it better smell nice because I put enough product in it.

     We finally found a channel to go through and it opened up into a whole new part of the lake. I found my friends and followed them, and although they waved back, they didn't know it was me. Finally, some tubers fell off, and without running them over (a fact of which I am very proud), I came along side the boat.

     "Vange?!" Phil, my brother, asked incredulously. "What are you doing?"
 
     "You guys didn't see me on the dock so I came to you," I replied. I have to say that I was pretty proud of driving a jet ski and finding a way out to the boat. I'm dedicated to tubing. I think I made that very clear that day.

     Phil, and Dave, the driver and owner of the boat, helped me in. I thanked Grover and waved goodbye.

     "Who was THAT?!" Phil asked.

     "I think his name was Grover."

     "You don't even know his name?!"

     So began all the jokes and crap everyone gave me for riding a random stranger's jet ski. Hey, I'm willing to sacrifice for my dreams, even if it means driving a jet ski.

     Oh, and the tubing was totally worth it...whiplash and all.

   

My Take on Drive Throughs and Car Washes

     Have you ever been to a drive through at a fast food restaurant and been completely unsure of what you're ordering? I know I have. I would love to sit there and peruse the menu comparing prices, gluten-free foods, and dessert options, but you literally have 2.3 seconds before a cheery voice comes over the intercom and asks, "Do you want to try our new greasy combo meal for $5.99?" 

     I always say "no" to those sales gimmicks as a rule even if I might have eaten them otherwise. Then comes the big question. "What would you like to order?" 

     Ahhhh! I always know this moment is coming, but I'm never quite prepared. Sometimes, I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind even if it's completely different than what I thought I would get initially. Other times, I waver back and forth until I feel the impatience of the employee and the anger of the people in the car behind me. I hate that pressure, so I usually cave and order something stupid. Like ice cream. Come to think of it, that's not stupid at all...

     Car washes. Where do I begin? 

     I'll start with some advice. Never wash your car in below freezing temperatures and try to wipe it off with towels before it cakes over with ice because it doesn't work. You also are being a bad advertisement for the car wash company because some other person might drive up to wash their vehicle, see you struggling with the ice, and decide to leave. It's not that I've ever done anything like that, it's just a good piece of advice to keep tucked away for the future. 

     Always have a plan BEFORE you put your quarters in the little car wash machine. Figuring out what button does what wastes precious seconds once they start counting down. I mean, if you don't read it and figure it out before, you might not figure out how the sprayer works until your time is over halfway done, and then you'll end up with soup suds all over your car and have to put in more quarters or drive away with soap flying everywhere. I've never done that either, but I'm thinking of these things to help you all out. 

     It's always a good idea to go to the car wash when you know there is an attendant there because they can make change for you when all you have is a ten dollar bill, and they might even give you an extra few minutes of water pressure to get all the soap off your car if you look pitiful enough. Of course, I haven't needed any of that, but some of you might. 

     I hope all of this advice has been helpful, and that none of you will make these mistakes because I sure didn't!

A Typical Day (Not Really)

     Hi! It's me again. I decided you all would like to hear about my day. Okay, so I decided to tell you all about my day whether you want to hear about it or not. (It was actually yesterday, but I'll call it today.)

     I started the day literally slapping myself in the face in bed about 6:30 in the morning because I had forgotten to retrieve my kayak paddle and dirty blanket from Sweet Char's trunk before taking it to the mechanic last night. It was kind of important since I was going kayaking with my friend, Rachel.

     “It's okay,” I thought, “After my Paul Mitchell class at work, I'll drive to the mechanic's, get the stuff out of Sweet Char's trunk, and then meet Rachel and Jake.” The latter was going to drive us up river so we could leave our vehicles at the landing where we planned to stop. It was a perfect plan. I would even have time to take care of my Kombucha tea and get the mushrooms out before I left.

    Only problem was, the color class went over and I ended up giving a haircut towards the end, so that I was leaving my house when I should have been arriving. I called Jake and tried to catch him so that he wouldn't make the trip and be waiting on me, but I couldn't get a hold of him. I first went to the landing where poor Rachel had been waiting for nearly an hour. Part of it was because I was late, and the other part was because she had been very early. She said Jake had come around and she explained to him the situation, so at least he wasn't waiting around. Thanking her, I headed off to the mechanic's where Sweet Char was done getting new back shocks.

     I consciously prepped myself ahead of time to pull the trunk lever and not the gas cap cover so I wouldn't look like a ninny who forgot her kayak paddle and couldn't even open the trunk. So guess what happened?

     That's right. I looked like a ninny who forgot her kayak paddle and couldn't even open the trunk. The helpful mechanic reached in and pulled the correct lever for me. Whatever.

     Taking my dad's truck with my kayak, Sweet Pepper, I went back to the landing and met up with Rachel. We left my dad's truck at the landing, and drove ourselves and both kayaks up to where we wanted to put in. We put in at the Lockport Bridge and then braved the raging rapids of the Tiffin River.

     It's not that the rapids in the Tiffin are necessarily raging or even that there are rapids on the Tiffin, but there sure are a heck of a lot of log jams and those have to count for something. Rachel and I portaged over most of them as taking the kayaks around on land was rather muddy, full of mosquitoes, and not nearly as fun. The mosquitoes had quite a feast today, I must say.

     We kayaked for about two hours until we came to the landing where my dad's truck was parked. All too late, I realized that I had locked my keys in Rachel's truck. Rats.

     Rachel was a good sport and rather fond of walking so that's what we did. We started the walk and once we got on the road that led straight to where we parked, we got up enough nerve to hitchhike. Yes, that's right. Hitchhike.

     If you have followed my blog, then you know that I almost did it last summer but chickened out. Now I had someone else with me, so I figured we'd have more of chance of staying alive and escaping kidnapping and murder since there were two of us instead of one. Well, we must have looked way too intimidating and scary because no one would pick us up.

     “I hope they don't call the cops because this is technically illegal,” I commented as we walked.

     “Really?!” Rachel gasped. I suppose she didn't think I would ever do anything that wasn't purely by the book.

     “Yeah, but then maybe the cops will pick us up and take us to your truck,” I said hopefully.

     We decided to stop hitchhiking and I called our friend Matt to see if he was available to come pick us up. Thankfully, he was and we made it to Rachel's truck much faster than if we had walked.

     The rest of our adventure went quite well and there is nothing of importance to note except that I did finally get my Kombucha tea taken care of before the day was over. 

     Stayed tuned for the next installment of the Blond Blog because I may be writing about fast food drive thrus and car washes.  

The Last Four Days

Day 7:

Long day, but I made it! I was gone about 11 hours from home all at one time, so I tool reserve lemonade mixture with me. Hey it's easier than packing, lunch, dinner, and snacks. This way, I have lunch, dinner, and snacks all in a water bottle. There are some good things about this cleanse.

Day 8:

I've lost nine pounds which is a very happy thought. I'm gonna take a nap now.

Day 9:

Had to pack lunch, dinner, and snacks for the day again.

Day 10:

Did well until I went to my friend's birthday party where they were having a crawdad bake. I've never had a crawdad before and couldn't turn down an opportunity like that, so I ended my cleanse a few hours early. It was worth it.

Day 5 and 6

Day 5:

Felt awful in the morning, but once I was at work, I had plenty of energy and I was effectively able to keep distracted as I did hair and nails for my clients.

Day 6:

Last night I dreamed of those small, buttery Ritz cracker sandwiches with that orange, tangy, artificial cheese spread in the middle. Oh man, I love those things

The Cleanse

Once again, I have taken it upon myself to do a ten day cleanse called the Master Cleanse. It involves not eating anything for ten days, drinking only a lemonade mixture, and hoping to stay alive in those ten days so you can finish your blog post about it.

It's really not that bad if you don't mind being hungry 24/7, and it does have its perks. Perks like losing a pound a day, getting your digestive system cleaned out, healing all the health problems you ever had, and giving you super human strength and intelligence. Just kidding! The last two aren't exactly true, but they sounded good.

Mom, brave woman that she is, has agreed to go on the cleanse with me to help me out for moral support. She's doing it for five days. I figure if I don't have a handle on it after five days, then I best be quitting, too.

Day 1:

I did really well as I started out my day. Drank the lemonade drinks, went to work, etc. It was a good day. Then, 11:00 am rolled around. HUNGRY! More lemonade. 12:00 pm rolled around. HUNGRY! 1:00 pm rolls around...do I need to keep this up?

I must say, I did have lots of energy. What did I do with all that energy? I did what mostly any woman would do—I worked and worked and got as much stuff done as I could before it gave out. That's what I did.

Day 2:

I worked and then took a three hour nap 'cause I was pooped.

Day 3:

This day was a bit crazy. I did four updos at work, went to Defiance to watch a softball game which I was too late for, and then went to a dance recital. I was really exhausted when the day was over, but being busy helped keep my mind off my troubles, such as acute hunger and weakness. Chugging lemonade drinks whenever I felt the need.

Day 4:

Exhaustion seems to be a running theme because that is what I was today. A nap after church, another lemonade drink and I'm raring to go. I have to say that I will be very leery of a certain kind of herbal tea from now on.